You were my third best decision. Anyone who knows me well knows my expression, “Jesus then James.” I always say that marrying James Morgan was my second best decision after receiving Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Now, the story reads Jesus then James then you. You were my third best decision.
You were probably my most difficult and one of my most selfless decisions. You required sacrifice- the sacrifice of my image, my time, and probably a good bit of my sleep. You were a step of faith when I felt pure terror at my inadequacy to care for you. I was so scared. I was scared of what I would lose. I didn’t realize that when I chose you, my focus would shift to everything I could possibly gain with your arrival.
James has occasionally asked me about children, and for the past two years I have said, “Maybe in five years.” It just wasn’t on my radar. The fear was too strong to allow me the dream. I was too un-domesticated. I wasn’t the best cook. I didn’t enjoy cleaning. I loved working, and I couldn’t seem to fit the idea of you into my busy schedule. More than anything, I could NOT shake the fear.
One day, right before our two year anniversary, James asked me to pray about children with him. Being the child of God that I am, I said no… The look on his face was heartbreaking. About an hour later, feeling convicted that I wouldn’t even bring it to the Lord in prayer, I said okay. And right there, sitting on the floor of our office, we prayed. We prayed for wisdom, and I prayed for a heart change in His timing. I didn’t want to pray about this, because I was scared that He really would change my heart. Well, it took about a month. It was sudden and gradual all at the same time. Little moments shifted my perspective and began to set my heart at ease. I began to lean toward the idea of motherhood, although I still had so many reservations and fears. One morning in particular, I began to doubt again and asked the Lord to give me a sign. He clearly answered this prayer.
I met them at our local Kroger. They were Italian and were outside with a sign and were asking for help buying their groceries. It was a man, his expecting wife, and their two children. Thankfully, they knew some Spanish, because my husband and I do not know Italian, and they definitely did not know English. We walked through the store with them, picking out groceries and talking about life and Jesus. The woman asked us if we had any children. We, of course, answered no. As we helped them load their items into their vehicle, she stopped and looked at me and said words that I will never forget. She didn’t know me well, and she certainly didn’t know my situation. She said, “Children are the best and most beautiful part of life. They are a gift from God.” She told me that she would be praying for many beautiful children for me. I walked away from that experience with tears in my eyes, because I knew God had heard my prayer that morning. I knew that He had sent this stranger to confirm what He had been showing me.
So I started thinking about timing. I decided that August would be the perfect time to try, because that would give me a May baby. My husband would be off in the summer, and it would better fit into my schedule. I was still trying to micromanage my life. A sweet friend of mine named Jen knew I was debating this and gently called me out on it. She asked me if I really needed to keep preventing pregnancy if God had changed my heart. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the problem still existed. I was still trying to control my own destiny. My mom and sister shared Jen’s sentiment and gently spoke truth over me. On April 2, one day before our second anniversary, I decided to trust the Lord and His timing.
On May 2, I left for Toronto, Canada on a work assignment. On May 6, the day I went to Niagara Falls, I found out there was a you.
I cried and jumped and shouted. The joy I felt in that moment was unrivaled. I couldn’t believe that His timing was so exact. Our obedience was just in time, because you needed to be born. This exact bundle of cells that makes up you was meant to exist. You were meant to change and shape the world, and I somehow had the honor and privilege of raising you.
Baby Morgan, you are already so very loved. I am enamored by you. You took a woman who was fearful of having a child and completely wrecked her heart for the better. When I found out there was a you, everything changed. I will forever be thankful for the day your daddy asked me to pray and for the gentle, quiet moments where the Lord changed both my heart and my perspective. I cannot wait to know and hold and love the perfect child that is you. You were my third best decision.
*Originally posted on 5/28/17 on my previous site