In 2020, I bought a big brother shirt after sharing with our families that I was pregnant. It arrived one week after I miscarried. I was unnerved and heartbroken after grabbing it out of the mailbox. I sent a picture to my mom and sister, and they convinced me to keep the shirt and put it in a closet. They told me that one day I’d need that shirt again. At the time, I didn’t have that kind of hope, but I listened to them and put the shirt at the top of a hallway closet.
Last Friday, in tears, I pulled that shirt down and put it on my son. I don’t even know how to fully express everything I feel seeing him in that shirt- a little bit of grief, immense joy, and overwhelming thankfulness. It’s just so unreal, and I’m so in awe of the grace of God to bless us with this rainbow babe.
While pregnancy after loss is the place where joy and grief and anxiety meet, I feel so unbelievably thankful to be a mama to our third little one. I see God’s hand in our miscarriage, and I see it in this beautiful gift of another life. I know that He walks with us through grief and through joy, and we praise Him for each good gift that He’s given us, even though one of our precious gifts didn’t get to remain with us. We rest in Him and rejoice over another little blessing.
“The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.””
Job 1:21 ESV